Today was a day full of mixed emotions. One of my men, Ted Lavender, was shot and killed. Kiowa was the only person to witness it. He said Lavender was shot while coming back after going to the bathroom. Kiowa was taking it pretty hard he kept telling everyone how Lavender went down like a big sandbag. I feel like it’s my fault. It was me who kept thinking about a rock Martha had sent me in her last letter. I just thought it was so romantic that she had thought to send me a rock. I had made it my good luck charm. I should have been paying attention to Lavender and not having my mind somewhere else. Today I got so upset I burned all my letters Martha has ever sent to me. Then I burned the two pictures I had of Martha too. I keep blaming myself. Lavender was dead and it was because I put a women before my men. I now realize I can’t just burn the pain away its still there. I can still see Martha there with me. I want her to just disappear from my mind I hate her. I hate love. I am going to try even harder to be a better leader to protect the guys in my platoon.
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